As I reflect upon my 22nd Father’s Day, I have to wonder why it is that my wife and I went to the trouble and expense of having children. It’s not like I regret having children, I just can’t help but to look back in time and marvel at the sheer cost of the experience.
From the day they are born, children demand constant attention—at least our oldest did. Our youngest two were adopted from Haiti. We didn’t know them when they were born, but experienced incredible stress and expense later on in the process of bringing them home to us. I’ve learned that kids seem to always need food and copious amounts of clothing as they keep growing because of all of the food you need to give them. We ended up needing a bigger house to accommodate our growing family which cost much more than the previous house. We needed a bigger vehicle—a minivan. Trust me, minivans are very practical vehicles which are perfect for hauling a family around, but there’s a storage problem…there’s just no place to put your dignity! My kids to this day are always making messes that I have to clean up. They constantly break things around the house that I need to fix. And as they get older, they break more expensive things—like cars!
Then there’s the time spent. My wife and I used to be able to enjoy the luxury of time together, just having a quiet evening at home by ourselves or going out to visit friends or whatever. When you have kids, your schedule suddenly takes a different orbit. It all revolves around them. Driving to different school, youth group, sports events, camp, birthday parties…etc. It simply never ends!
And then there’s the times as a parent when your children are hurt and you hurt twice as much as they do. If you are a parent, you know what I’m talking about. Your teenage daughter is crying and heartbroken because her close friends have decided that she is no longer important to them—and you feel angry at the injustice of teenage social structure. Your son starts making life decisions that you know will end up bringing him hardship later in life and he just won’t listen to you. You worry for him. For his future. You discover that you would sooner put yourself between them and danger, perhaps even risking your life to preserve theirs. No matter how much your child brings you joy or heaps sorrow on your heart, you are there for them. You would never give up on your child.
Ever!
What is going on here?
Time for a moment of vulnerable honesty, which I believe everyone who reads this can relate to—if you are introspective and completely honest with yourself.
I don’t think that I truly learned to love until I became a dad.
Now the word “love” is one of those words that has largely lost its meaning in our culture. Let me explain: In the original language of the New Testament, the word “love” is rendered from three greek words: Phileo; which is a sentimental feeling where you have gotten used to something or someone and would miss that person or thing if you found it/him/her missing from your life. There’s Eros; which is a feeling of desire; it can be sexual desire or simply wanting something you don’t yet have, like that new car. The final word rendered as “love” is Agape. Whereas the first two words are feelings, this is an action word. It is the lifestyle where you are pouring out from your very being into the life of someone else. This is when you think of someone else’s well being ahead of your own. This is when you are motivated solely for the good of the other person. You are not thinking of how this could benefit you.
This is Agape.
This is the kind of love that is God’s very essence.
Philippians 2:3-8 beautifully illustrates this:
“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility regard others as better than yourselves. Let each of you look not to your own interests, but to the interests of others. Let the same mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus,
who, though he was in the form of God,
did not regard equality with God
as something to be exploited,
but emptied himself,
taking the form of a slave,
being born in human likeness.
And being found in human form,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to the point of death—
even death on a cross.”
When I was younger, I thought that I loved people. I thought that it was love that drew me to the young woman that would become my wife. When I look back, I realize that every “loving” thing I did for people had the motivation of benefiting me somehow. I always hoped that people would notice me and how nice I was and that I would be accepted because of the things I did. Maybe I could even impress important people and end up working for them which would give me greater money earning opportunity. That’s what I was after. Prestige, power and possessions.
Let’s be honest…for most young men including myself, Agape is not what draws us into a relationship with a young woman. 99% of the time it is Eros. I’m no exception. There’s a desire for sex to benefit…me, a desire of the social status of having a girlfriend that also benefits…me and a desire to not be alone which benefits…you guessed it. Me. Phileo develops as this person becomes a familiar fixture in your life and then Agape takes years to form.
That’s where children come in.
Pretty much everyone in my life does not need me—including my wife. They can all live quite well, independent of me. My kids however do need me, though that is changing as they grow older. My kids don’t really benefit me much on a practical level and never have. As a dad, I have found that pouring my life out into the lives of my children when they cannot possibly return to me what I have done for them has been and continues to be a picture of what God is always doing for me. For you. I have had the enormous privilege of participating with the divine, in the praxis of love for my children. I have learned what it means to love by doing. And by doing, I am learning to love others…I mean truly love.
Agape love.
23 years after exchanging wedding vows with my wife, I actually LOVE her largely because of what I have learned from being a father.
And yes. My children bring me unfathomable joy. You see, this is the inevitable end result of being involved in God’s business—participating in His very nature. After all, we were designed for this!
Why should you have children?
Because they are inconvenient, noisy, expensive, time consuming, often disrespectful and they will need you more than you need them. You will learn to love!
Happy Father’s Day!