Month: June 2020

I know. It’s a strange title and you’re probably wondering about the connection between the two words. What does authenticity have to do with fatherhood?

Well…everything. 

Not just fatherhood either.  Authenticity is integral to relationship.  As fatherhood is a relationship and this is Father’s Day, let’s use that as an example. 

I became a father on November 27, 1996 around 5:28 in the morning. I’ll never forget seeing my daughter for the first time, holding her in my arms, looking into her eyes and wondering…

Who is this little human?

I was excited about getting to know her and knew that I have a lifetime to discover who she is. She isn’t just any little human. She is my daughter. I am her father and we have a special relationship. It is my job in this relationship to explore who she is and to help her discover her own authentic identity. 

It doesn’t always work that way though. I’ve never had a relationship with my own father. This isn’t a surprise to anyone who knows us. Even though he has always been present in my life and still lives close by, we have no relationship. We see each other occasionally, and engage in small talk, but nothing beyond that.  

If conversation goes beyond small talk, things get awkward and tense really fast. Why?  Authenticity is not permitted. My father is a self proclaimed missionary who has always been heavily involved in the “work of the church”. As such, he has an image to protect. When you are trying to look like a respectable, religious person and you depend on the acceptance and financial support of other Christians, it’s important to have a family who enhances your image. One that looks and acts respectable and doesn’t ever question what the church teaches.  It’s also important to be able to control your children—to enhance this charade of a perfect little Christian family. Unfortunately for him, his son is a tattooed biker with long hair who is a critical thinker that questions everything.  I’m a non-conformist and have always been so, and that’s never gone over well.  From the time I was a small child, my dad has criticized, disparaged and even ridiculed my unique perspectives and way of being.  I was never allowed to be myself around him. He wasted my childhood trying to make me into a little version of himself and ended up losing his son in the process. 

A relationship sacrificed on the altar of fakeness to the god of personal insecurity. 

My father has never been able to connect with me because he has always been busy trying to establish a relationship with who he wishes I was. I have never been able to connect with my father because he projects a false image of himself and will only allow me to relate to that. 

You cannot have a relationship with someone who does not exist.

In the gospel accounts of the life of Jesus, He refers to God as his “Abba”.  In english we would say “Papa”.  It means “father”, but with intimate, authentic relationship implied. Of course, God is genderless, but today on Father’s Day, permit me to use masculine, fatherish pronouns for God.  I believe that God the father is interested in who we truly are and not only encourages us to be authentic, but insists on it.  That’s the problem with religion.  We’ve gotten this idea in our heads that we are inherently sinful, flawed and unacceptable to God. That God cannot accept us or even look upon us unless we can get our act together and behave properly, or at least have someone else like Jesus do it for us in our place. In my last article; “Letting Go”, I explore how what religion has taught us about “divine judgement and punishment” is actually a loving Father who cannot and will not have a relationship with anyone that is not authentic. This Father does NOT punish us in a retributive sense, but removes our falseness, exposing our true self. The authentic self who can have relationship with the Divine.  

Are wondering why you do not have a close relationship with the angry, retributive god that would punish people for eternity—you know…the one religion told you about?  

That god does not exist. That’s why it’s not working!  

This is why Jesus is so important. He came to show us what the authentic God of the universe is really like so that we can have genuine relationship with Him. 

Long before I saw my first daughter, I had determined to discover who my children were and not force them into some kind of fakeness that would protect my insecurities. I’ve also insisted that my children be who they are. I have called them out when they have behaved in ways that are not true to who they are. They haven’t always appreciated that process at the time—it probably felt like judgement, but for the most part, they have seen the wisdom of it later on in life. I’m not a perfect father and there have been many times when I did in fact try to make my children into little versions of myself instead of discovering who they are. Those were always the times when our relationships suffered. 

This Father’s Day, I wish authenticity on every reader. We are relational creatures, but also prone to believing and embracing false identity. Please know that you are complete. You are already just as you should be. You are fully loved and accepted and why should you not be?  You are an expression of Papa. You are made of pure love!  As you discover how great God’s love is, as you allow our Father to remove falseness from you, as you embrace authenticity, you will discover deeper relationship with yourself, others and God Himself. 

For more reading on who you are and why it’s so hard to accept it, please check out this article:  http://ryanharbidge.com/2019/03/16/whats-so-bad-about-sin/

I’ll admit it. I’m a tone deaf white person. Not as much as I have been in the past, but still tone deaf. Those of you who know me might be confused by this. After all, I’ve raised two black daughters and I’ve been to Haiti where they come from many times. I’ve made the effort to spend time with black people and read black authors, and yet, I’m still tone deaf. 

Let me explain with a true story. 

I’ve been in plenty of scary situations throughout my life, but one of the scariest ones was the time I and my family were stranded in the middle of Port Au Prince, Haiti after dark. 

It would be an understatement to say that the people of Haiti, historically, have not had a good experience with white people. After all, it was white people who brought them there as slaves in the first place, white people who bankrupted their country after they freed themselves and white people who continue to play a part in keeping them in the cycle of poverty they remain in to this day. 

Port Au Prince isn’t a particularly safe city to live in in you are a black Haitian. It’s an EXTREMELY unsafe city to be in, especially after dark if you are a white person. It’s also incredible how fast the sun sets that close to the equator. 

We had just spent a wonderful day as a family, visiting my children’s extended birth family. They had fed us supper and a friend of the family who owned a car (such as it was) had offered to drive us back to our guest house. About half way there, the car fell apart and we were stranded there with our driver who didn’t speak much english.  It was still daylight and we were not yet concerned. He got on the phone and arranged for another car. As we waited, the sun quickly set and I became very conscious of my white skin and the danger I and my family were potentially in because of it. White skin in Haiti means that you are rich. People constantly beg from me there. Kidnapping is also a possibility.  White skin is often conflated with oppression. Retributive violence is a possibility. 

With this knowledge, I was hyper aware of my surroundings. Always looking for danger, scared not just for me, but my family…praying that our car would arrive. The car did come along and brought us back to the safety of our guest house. A few days later we flew home to our wealthy and safe country of Canada where we never experience discrimination because of the colour of our skin. 

Safe and sound.  

Here’s the thing:  If you are a black person in America, you don’t have that option.  What I experienced in Port Au Prince is called normal life for them. There is always discrimination and the potential for danger because of the colour of their skin. Could I point out that it is also undeserving discrimination?

This is why I’m still tone deaf. Let me say it again—What my black brothers and sisters experience as normal, everyday life, I’ve only experienced temporarily—with knowledge of its temporality. I have never had to live like they do every day. 

Lately I’ve heard white people say stuff like, “Where are the riots when this unarmed white girl was killed by the police”. Let me use this illustration to show how stupid and tone deaf this statement is:  Imagine that I walk up to someone who is grieving as they have lost their entire family in a car wreck in which they are the only survivor. I say, “I understand what you are going through. I had a pet goldfish die when I was five years old.  Don’t worry. You’ll get over it.”  This is the same disparity in life experience.  I will never be able to relate to it.

Here’s my advice to white people:  

-When you hear, “black lives matter”, don’t EVER say, “well…all lives matter”.  

-Don’t try to deny the reality of white privilege. 

-Don’t even think that you can understand what it’s like to walk in a black persons shoes. You can’t.

-Be humble enough to listen to them without giving advice. 

-Hear their stories—learn from them. 

-Weep with them. 

-March with them. 

-Speak out against inequality. 

Don’t be a part of the problem.