I know. It’s a strange title and you’re probably wondering about the connection between the two words. What does authenticity have to do with fatherhood?
Well…everything.
Not just fatherhood either. Authenticity is integral to relationship. As fatherhood is a relationship and this is Father’s Day, let’s use that as an example.
I became a father on November 27, 1996 around 5:28 in the morning. I’ll never forget seeing my daughter for the first time, holding her in my arms, looking into her eyes and wondering…
Who is this little human?
I was excited about getting to know her and knew that I have a lifetime to discover who she is. She isn’t just any little human. She is my daughter. I am her father and we have a special relationship. It is my job in this relationship to explore who she is and to help her discover her own authentic identity.
It doesn’t always work that way though. I’ve never had a relationship with my own father. This isn’t a surprise to anyone who knows us. Even though he has always been present in my life and still lives close by, we have no relationship. We see each other occasionally, and engage in small talk, but nothing beyond that.
If conversation goes beyond small talk, things get awkward and tense really fast. Why? Authenticity is not permitted. My father is a self proclaimed missionary who has always been heavily involved in the “work of the church”. As such, he has an image to protect. When you are trying to look like a respectable, religious person and you depend on the acceptance and financial support of other Christians, it’s important to have a family who enhances your image. One that looks and acts respectable and doesn’t ever question what the church teaches. It’s also important to be able to control your children—to enhance this charade of a perfect little Christian family. Unfortunately for him, his son is a tattooed biker with long hair who is a critical thinker that questions everything. I’m a non-conformist and have always been so, and that’s never gone over well. From the time I was a small child, my dad has criticized, disparaged and even ridiculed my unique perspectives and way of being. I was never allowed to be myself around him. He wasted my childhood trying to make me into a little version of himself and ended up losing his son in the process.
A relationship sacrificed on the altar of fakeness to the god of personal insecurity.
My father has never been able to connect with me because he has always been busy trying to establish a relationship with who he wishes I was. I have never been able to connect with my father because he projects a false image of himself and will only allow me to relate to that.
You cannot have a relationship with someone who does not exist.
In the gospel accounts of the life of Jesus, He refers to God as his “Abba”. In english we would say “Papa”. It means “father”, but with intimate, authentic relationship implied. Of course, God is genderless, but today on Father’s Day, permit me to use masculine, fatherish pronouns for God. I believe that God the father is interested in who we truly are and not only encourages us to be authentic, but insists on it. That’s the problem with religion. We’ve gotten this idea in our heads that we are inherently sinful, flawed and unacceptable to God. That God cannot accept us or even look upon us unless we can get our act together and behave properly, or at least have someone else like Jesus do it for us in our place. In my last article; “Letting Go”, I explore how what religion has taught us about “divine judgement and punishment” is actually a loving Father who cannot and will not have a relationship with anyone that is not authentic. This Father does NOT punish us in a retributive sense, but removes our falseness, exposing our true self. The authentic self who can have relationship with the Divine.
Are wondering why you do not have a close relationship with the angry, retributive god that would punish people for eternity—you know…the one religion told you about?
That god does not exist. That’s why it’s not working!
This is why Jesus is so important. He came to show us what the authentic God of the universe is really like so that we can have genuine relationship with Him.
Long before I saw my first daughter, I had determined to discover who my children were and not force them into some kind of fakeness that would protect my insecurities. I’ve also insisted that my children be who they are. I have called them out when they have behaved in ways that are not true to who they are. They haven’t always appreciated that process at the time—it probably felt like judgement, but for the most part, they have seen the wisdom of it later on in life. I’m not a perfect father and there have been many times when I did in fact try to make my children into little versions of myself instead of discovering who they are. Those were always the times when our relationships suffered.
This Father’s Day, I wish authenticity on every reader. We are relational creatures, but also prone to believing and embracing false identity. Please know that you are complete. You are already just as you should be. You are fully loved and accepted and why should you not be? You are an expression of Papa. You are made of pure love! As you discover how great God’s love is, as you allow our Father to remove falseness from you, as you embrace authenticity, you will discover deeper relationship with yourself, others and God Himself.
For more reading on who you are and why it’s so hard to accept it, please check out this article: http://ryanharbidge.com/2019/03/16/whats-so-bad-about-sin/